Caring for Our Own Dead

Reprinted with permission from Crone Chronicles
Winter 1999-2000

The purpose of Final Passages is "to re-introduce home and family-directed funerals as a part of family life and as a way to de- institutionalize death, by educating and assisting dignified and compassionate alternatives to conventional funeral practices." Final Passages serves the needs of all cultural, economic and religious perspectives, providing educational materials, consultations, referrals and seminars "to assist those who wish to take charge of commemorating a person's death passage."

In 1995, Jerrigrace Lyons, 52, founded Final Passages in Sebastopol, California, in direct response to the death of her friend Carolyn Whiting, who had left detailed instructions for her home funeral. Up until recently, Janelle Va Melvin co-directed Final Passages with Jerrigrace and due to family situations has taken official leave.

What follows is Jerrigrace's story of how this project originated and the various challenges she has faced in seeking to pioneer the dissolution of a powerful cultural taboo.

I met some of Carolyn's friends in a Reiki healing booth at a health fair and they invited me to join a Share Group at Carolyn's house. When I called her I felt an immediate heart connection.

I participated in the hands on Reiki healing group almost every week during the year before she died. Carolyn was 56, and very much alive...yet I was aware that she had a history of asthma.

JL: Not at all. Besides hands on healing, she was very psychic and intuitive. She was also a Reiki master who was initiating students.

After the Share Groups, I'd often stay and visit. Carolyn was a busy RN working in home health care and felt badly that she didn't have time to return phone calls or respond to all the people wanting to exchange healing sessions.

In June, I was attending a weekend workshop in the woods when someone from Carolyn's group paged me. From the sound of her voice I felt it was urgent but I couldn't get through. I knew there was something wrong. Eventually Ellen called and said "Carolyn went to work this morning and started having problems breathing. 911 was called. I don't know how to say this to you, but Carolyn died."

I was shattered. I knew it could have been an asthma attack. She was still alive when the ambulance came but they couldn't resuscitate her.

Redwood Funeral Society, directed by Karen Leonard, is our local chapter of the national organization of Funeral and Memorial Societies of America (FAMSA). They are a nonprofit consumer advocacy organization. Lisa Carlson (who wrote Caring for the Dead, Your Final Act of Love) is the executive director of FAMSA. Both Karen and Lisa have been advocates of home and family-directed funerals. As a result of a conversation with Karen, Carolyn had given a copy of her plans and durable power of attorney to her close friend, Norma, her executrix. Carolyn left detailed instructions for her friends to take care of her body at home. She said if she died in a hospital, she wanted her friends to take her home, bathe and dress her, and not turn her over to a mortuary. She didn't want to be embalmed or autopsied. She wanted her friends to do ceremony with her. She had even joked around with Norma, saying, "It's good that you have a van, because you can transport me in it!" Norma had replied, "Oh, don't be ridiculous, I probably won't own this van by the time you die. "When she died a couple of months later, Norma did indeed use her van to transport Carolyn's body from the hospital to her home, and from there to the crematorium.

Carolyn also had a miraculous healing with her brother the night before she died. They had been estranged for many years. Carolyn had repeatedly tried over the years to mend their relationship. She had finally given up and planned a ceremony with another man, making him her spiritual brother to replace her kin brother. But the night before she died, her brother called her out of the blue and they talked for 45 minutes. It was like a gift, an opportunity to heal some of their wounds. She was so excited, she called her friends to share this revelation.

Yes, and that very same night she made a tape of her personal journey of becoming a healer. Duplicates were made and became a final gift to close friends after her death.

Another hint of her destined transition was that Carolyn had finished several levels of a healing course when she announced, "I'm not going to go on with this work. I feel complete. I feel I'm going on to something entirely new, something very exciting, something to do with the Medicine Buddha." Evidently that was her goodbye to everybody.

Also she had recently completed her will. Her son had asked, "Why have you done your will at this point in your life?" She responded, "I want to be prepared. It's important to be prepared because you never know what will happen."

All these things occurred just prior to her death, so, yes, it would indicate that some part of her was aware of what was going to happen.

When Ellen told me Carolyn had died, I felt as though my heart had broken open. I put my arms around my roommate and sobbed. It was unlike me to cry so quickly and easily. My usual way is to go somewhere and sit, not knowing what to feel or do. Later, looking back on it, I realized Carolyn's presence was there with me.

That evening, at Carolyn's home, I met with her other friends, we introduced ourselves and began to discuss what had happened, what needed to be done and what Carolyn wanted.

Yes. When Norma had told the hospital staff she wanted to bring her body home, the response was, "This is an unusual request. We don't know if it's legal. We need to see paperwork. We have to look into this."

Norma called a mortuary recommended by Redwood Funeral Society. They told her that they could complete the paperwork, file it and give her a transport permit the next morning that would enable her to bring Carolyn's body home from the hospital. They also told Norma they would arrange for the crematorium to receive Carolyn's body from us the day after that.

We had a general plan for the next day's events along with Carolyn's wishes for candle lighting and her favorite music played. I didn't know if I could participate in the whole process because of other commitments but I wanted to be involved as much as possible.

We set up a phone tree to let people know Carolyn had died and that she was going to be at her home so people could visit and say goodbye.

We didn't know about dry ice then. What we have since written in our home funeral manual is that dry ice is not usually needed for a short wake (24 hrs.).

I looked through her closet and picked out an aqua blue caftan with gold trim that looked ceremonial. We prepared the room she had used for healing work and transformed it into a sacred space where people would feel comfortable to honor her.

When some of Carolyn's friends returned with her body, they shared how cooperative the hospital had been once they realized that what we were doing was legal. The hospital had received the transport permit and staff had escorted Carolyn's friends to the morgue where she was stored in a body bag. Hospital staff assisted in moving her onto a gurney, covering her with a blanket, wheeling her out and placing her in Norma's van.

They carried Carolyn's body into the house, and placed her on the futon we had covered with plastic and a pretty sheet.

We zipped open the body bag not knowing what to expect. It was amazing! Carolyn looked so peaceful. She had a slight smile on her face. Her eyes and her mouth were closed as though she were asleep. She looked very soft, like an innocent child. We expected her to open her eyes and speak to us, but she didn't. At that moment we began to realize she was not with us anymore.

Yes, she was cold, very cold because she had been in the morgue. Touching her made it even clearer that she was gone. We really needed that experience because it all seemed so unreal. She was pale except for some mottled purple coloring on her backside-when blood stops circulating it gravitates toward the underside.

We touched her, sat with her and cried. Then we began to bathe her. She had a ring on her finger that was hard to get off. Patty said, "Carolyn, help us out here! We need to get this ring off. Can you relax your fingers a little?" Carolyn's hand relaxed and the ring came off. We were talking to her and feeling she could hear us, letting her know we loved her and we would take good care of her.

That's exactly how we felt, like each step was part of a script we were acting out for the first time. We used scissors to remove her clothes. When I brought in the caftan, Norma was amazed! She said that aqua and gold were Carolyn's favorite colors. How perfect! Though rigor mortis is a temporary condition, Carolyn's arms were a bit inflexible. We ended up cutting the caftan up the back, slipping it over her arms and tucking it underneath her. We knew she loved to be barefoot so we left her feet uncovered. We placed flowers all around her body. Carolyn never left the house without make-up so I found lipstick and fragrance and applied them lightly. She looked so beautiful.

People began arriving. Their faces seemed to say, this couldn't have happened; maybe it was all a big mistake. Some stayed a long time, sitting beside her, holding her hand. For others a brief visit was more appropriate. Later, we carried her on the futon into the living room for a more formal ceremony. The room was ablaze with candles. We formed a circle around her body and it became very quiet. We passed a talking stick around so each person could share from their heart with singing, chanting or readings of Carolyn's poetry.

Two of Carolyn's friends, Norma and Dana, slept that night on either side of her like protective guardians. Norma felt that she needed a sign to show her that Carolyn was really gone. Stories about people being buried alive kept creeping into her mind. Then Carolyn's cat, Amber, strolled into the living room and walked over her body without a hint of recognition. Norma was relieved to see that Amber didn't try to curl up in Carolyn's arms and accepted it as her sign that Carolyn was really gone.

Yes. There was a sense Carolyn was orchestrating the whole three-day event.There were so many synchronistic details keeping me involved. I had told Norma and Dana that my sister was visiting the next day, so I wouldn't return, but the next morning I felt compelled to go back for one last goodbye. When I arrived, Norma and Dana were finding things to send with Carolyn: a small piece of driftwood, the wing of a bird. Norma taped some of Carolyn's collection of cookie fortunes on her body, saying that Carolyn told her where to place them. This was so characteristic of Carolyn's sense of humor.

When it was time to take Carolyn's body to the crematorium, we carried her on the futon out to the van. No blanket covered her this time. Her friends sat around her. I said goodbye again but as they left, Giselle, a friend who was leaving with me voiced my thoughts and said, "We should really go to the crematorium."

Our friends laughed when we showed up. We lifted Carolyn from the futon and placed her into a cardboard box. We said our last goodbye to her. We didn't know then that you could purchase a box any time and bring it home to paint and decorate. Now many of our client families find this to be a very healing art therapy ritual.

Norma invited us to lunch but my sister was waiting so I said goodbye for the third time. As Giselle and I left I remembered my car was out of gas. At the service station I felt a strong need to check my answering machine. While listening to a message from my sister saying she couldn't meet me after all, I saw Norma and the others across the street, going to a nearby restaurant instead of the one across town they had planned to go to! Gizelle and I joined the group again and they laughed to see us again. The other restaurant had been closed; so it seemed obvious that we were all meant to be together during this event.

During lunch someone asked, "Does everybody feel this joy? Why are we feeling so elated while Carolyn is being cremated!" That's what I mean about this awareness of her presence or other beings that were helping to create this uplifting feeling. During those three days, various people shared that they were communicating with Carolyn. One of them commented that Carolyn was happy to be free of her body and that she was finally able to help a lot of people at one time.

We found out later that during our lunch, Laurel, another close friend of Carolyn's, who normally worked all day but who had jury duty and was excused at noon, received a communication from Carolyn that she wanted her to be nearby during her cremation. Laurel intuitively found the crematorium and arrived just in time to learn that Carolyn's body was about to be cremated. She sat on the grass outside and sang to Carolyn because she knew that's what Carolyn wanted her to do.

Yes and there were more wonderful things that happened. Typically there is a waiting time for bodies to be cremated or you have to pay extra for a "rush job," but Norma was able to pick up Carolyn's ashes and bring them that night to our evening Reiki group which was instead an open-house. The ashes were still warm. They were vibrant, tingling in our hands as we passed them around the circle. Norma told us to take some and put them into small plastic bags. Carolyn had asked to have her ashes scattered around the world. After we each took a little handful, Norma placed what was left over in a bowl for Carolyn's altar.

A month later Carolyn's memorial was held on her birthday, July 30th.The remaining ashes were made available for guests. Some people were obviously uneasy about touching them, but two little children ran their hands through the ashes as if it were sand in a sandbox. When adults seemed uncomfortable about taking the ashes, the children would fill a bag and offer it to them. The children liked having a part to play and in their innocence were perfect role models. Unlike adults in our culture, given the opportunity, most children accept death as a natural part of the life and death cycle.

One of our Reiki group members who is psychic, said "Carolyn chose you to be one of her spiritual midwives for a reason, to share in this experience and to be a messenger." At the time, I thought this was interesting and wondered what she meant by it. Later on, another psychic told me I would tell the story of Carolyn to many, many circles of people for years to come. I was still focused elsewhere during that time, so although I heard the words, I didn't know how it was going to unfold.

I wanted to share my experience and people seemed eager to listen. I wanted to let them know how empowering it feels to be a part of this sacred rite of passage and that they have the legal right to do so. I began to tell the story. I spoke to a hospice group, an anthroposophical meeting, here and there. Then our weekly paper, The Sonoma County Independent, published a front-page story, "Carolyn's Legacy" by Jeff Elliott. Our awakening and involvement in an ancient tradition was very beautifully documented. This and many other stories about Carolyn's home funeral have been read by thousands of people.

The article was certainly a nudge in that direction. I invited Karen Leonard from the Redwood Funeral Society to be a co-speaker with me at community meetings. She's a charismatic speaker and very knowledgeable about the funeral industry and our legal rights to conduct home funerals. I told Karen I wanted to learn more. She replied, "Well, great, I don't have a car, and when I speak at different places I need a ride." For about a year I was her chauffeur and she became my new mentor. I learned a great deal from her and she was delighted to find someone else so passionate about our country's great taboo.

Around this time, my friend, Janelle, and I were looking for new ways to make money. She was a CNA and had been working with a local hospice for three years. In October, 1995 we held a 'Dying with Dignity' workshop. It was warmly received and we made a good team.

I had started looking for ways to assist people with home funerals. November I called friends who were interested in exploring this idea. Eleven people came to our first weekly meeting on December 10, 1995. That was the birth of The Natural Death Care Project.

Yes, it's enough to raise the dead! You're probably aware of the fact that there are three major corporations going throughout the United States and many other countries buying clusters of mortuaries and cemeteries and then raising the funeral costs to feed their stockholders.

Most people don't realize this because they keep the same funeral home name. For instance, five Bay Area Neptune Societies, which in our area of California is synonymous with cremation due to their long history, were bought out a couple of years ago by Stewart Enterprises, the third largest funeral corporation. In the 1970's when they first started, they charged $255 for a simple, direct cremation. Now the Neptune Society (Stewart) in our town is one of the highest in cost for cremations starting at $1,300. Other mortuaries in our area have been bought out by the other two corporations, Service Corporation International (SCI) and Loewen Group. We're constantly educating people about the corporations and to search for independently owned businesses when possible.

That's a book in itself. To begin with we had to figure out what format to use to structure the business. Should it be non-profit, for profit, a cooperative, incorporated or what? At first we just worked as individuals with a common interest as we searched for a solution. As people drifted away, I became the sole proprietor, lumping it together with my healing business. After a year and a half, when Janelle and I were working together, we met Susan Keller, director of a local non-profit, who was interested in Final Passages. She offered to umbrella our project, which we eventually accepted. However, Community Network for Appropriate Technologies was designed for education and not for hands on service work. This made it clear I had to start a separate business for the portion that actually assists families with home funerals. This is Home Funeral Ministry, which became my only source of income.

My next challenge was to learn the ropes in this business. I had to learn the sequence of steps to take when someone called about a death. I didn't know anything about dry ice or how to use it. Learning the required paperwork was demanding. I had no idea how to put a cardboard cremation container together. The timing needed to coordinate all the various medical, county departments and funeral businesses with the family's needs was like navigating a maze.

Right, and at the time I was crushed because I thought it would be the end of the project. I wrote letters to him, talked to him. I practically begged him. He consistently replied, "No. It's just not going to work for us."

At some point, I realized this must be in the divine plan. There's been so much support from the unseen. (I often joke and say to my friends that I work for the dead...they know how to take care of these problems.) I eventually found another mortuary, but after a few cases this mortuary also closed their doors to us. Evidently funeral directors talk to each other! Then I found a crematorium/cemetery with no mortuary attached. They were not concerned about losing money since they don't handle funeral arrangements. They charge families the same thing they charge the mortuaries for the use of their retort (cremation chamber). We currently refer families to two other crematories, which now gives them three choices. Each offers slightly different services and costs. At these crematoriums I have occasionally stayed with families throughout the entire process. It is another way to honor and accompany the spirit across the threshold.

Let me share with you just one story about a challenge I've had to face. One person who died in a hospital couldn't be transported to the crematorium even though everything was completed because he still had a pacemaker. You cannot cremate a body with a pacemaker because the batteries can explode and damage the retort. Well, I didn't know how to get one out and doctors and nurses won't take a pacemaker out of a dead body!

"It's not in my job description!" they say! The first time I needed this done I called a friend at one of the hospitals who was able to find someone to do it, but she didn't know if she could help me the next time. Later, a mortuary employee told me how to remove a pacemaker, but now we have a volunteer who is a physician assistant. I know that for every obstacle there is some greater force helping us to find the solution.

Emotional issues are another area of challenge. I had to learn how to not take things personally. It has been an opportunity to respond with more compassion. During pre-planning consultations, I questioned whether I was being sensitive enough or overly sensitive. When someone is facing imminent death, can you imagine gazing into their eyes and asking, "Have you chosen whether you want cremation or burial?" Or, "What do you want done with your ashes?" These are difficult questions for most people. I discovered their emotions sometimes mirrored my own anxieties and noticed that my energy was frequently depleted without knowing why. I had to learn to take care of myself because I was being overly empathetic and absorbing too much of their emotions.

There is always resistance to change and when the subject is death, resistance is emphasized! Cremation was first introduced in this country at the turn of the century and no one thought it would take off. Now over 50% of Californians choose cremation. The home birth and hospice movements began with a few courageous pioneers and now you see midwives and hospices in every town. Most hospitals even have birthing rooms for families.

I frequently make calls seeking to do a presentation and no one will call back, maybe because they're too busy, maybe because they think it's a morbid, gross idea or maybe it's just politics.

That shouldn't be too difficult. One of my favorites is the arena of grants and funding. Susan Keller, the director of our nonprofit, has her own program called Journey to Life's End, about improving the quality of end of life. She has written and received several grants. She wrote one for both of our programs to Robert Woods Johnson Foundation, one of the largest organizations funding projects on death in America. They turned her down, asking her to resubmit the application without the Natural Death Care Project included. I later learned at a conference that they had decided not to grant to any programs focusing on after death care.

As we continued to search for other grants, we realized that none of the foundations have categories for home funeral guides, death or spiritual midwives, or anything to do with caring for those we love at the time of, or after death. I know that eventually we will find a way to bridge this gap. Maybe it's the price one has to pay while creating a new paradigm. Susan is optimistic and is not giving up

The best way to grow and to open the door for more possibilities is to join with others who share a common dream. Karen Leonard and Ann Tompkins from the Redwood Funeral Society and Janelle and I from Final Passages have formed a new committee to create and manifest a monumental vision. We call it JMMP (jump), the Jessica Mitford Memorial Project. It is our intention to build a nature preserve cemetery, a newly designed crematory and a memorial theater that will house living and dying rituals and ceremonies. It will offer education and include a place to witness cremation that would feel sacred and comfortable rather than utilitarian. This will be a model project of enormous beauty and will draw interest from all over the World.

Memorial Ecosystems (MEI) in South Carolina is buying large acreage to create nature preserves with a portion dedicated to ecological burials. There are no cement liners (vaults), and caskets that break down very quickly are encouraged. Bodies may be buried wrapped only in a shroud. They have met with us and are equally excited about our plans. We are presently exploring how we can form an alliance to create a prototype of this magnitude and importance.

Yes. Thank you so much for the opportunity to once again tell the story of Carolyn's legacy and how through her wisdom I was inspired to fulfill my purpose in this lifetime. I feel like even her humor has infiltrated my serious nature. I have now added stand-up comedy to my presentations. People laugh when they see my sidekick, Ezekiel, (better known as E Z Death). He is a wooden skull on a stick dressed with a hat and tie. We break the tension of what most people perceive to be a depressing and scary subject. We enjoy telling our audience that our project (Final Passages), was a huge undertaking, that we have too many deadlines to meet and we often feel buried six feet under. But that's okay. We're alive and well...cause people are dying to work with us. E Z and I are convinced that we have found our niche and we call it the "The Lighter Side of Death."